Reflection upon a decade
In the past 10 years I’ve changed so much, it’s almost hard to believe. It’s the difference between being 20 years old vs. being 30, I guess. They’ve been bittersweet years. I’ve lived alone for 6 years, been independent, had my heart broken twice, lost some friends, gained some new ones, fallen in love, gotten married (which I never expected to happen), had 2 cats, lived in 3 apartments, had 4..5..6 jobs, and had 3 blogs. I have gained 3.5 years of marriage, gained (and lost) a lot of weight, gained some crow’s feet, worry lines, smile lines, a bad tattoo, experience, gained some perspective, (not in that order) and I’ve lived in Los Angeles for almost all of it. I also have felt some shared joy at my friend’s triumphs, loves, births, marriages, and shared sadness at their losses- as there have certainly been some of those as well. All of these things have shaped the past 10 years in profound ways.
I have lost the feeling that I know anything about what life should be, what it means to be alive, or what it means to be a Christian- for better or for worse. I just know that all of those things mean responsibility. I guess that is what the last 10 years have really placed up on my shoulders… responsibility… and deepened skepticism. Does that mean I’m finally an adult? I don’t feel as youthfully optimistic as I once did, even though I have admittedly never been what you might call “carefree” (!)
I continue to learn more about myself every day, even when I don’t want to. I look back at old blog posts and laugh at my romanticism, yet marvel at the clarity of mind I had even 5 years ago that sometimes seems to be slipping away from me (though I guess thoughts always seem more clear in writing). I used to feel like I always had these huge red-letter moments every few days, so I wrote perpetually- if not on my old blog, then in a big, fat, crappy, spiral bound journal- which was often torn up after being filled.
Pardon me for waxing nostalgic, and perhaps a little melancholy, but all in all I am looking forward to the next 10 years. May they renew me/us all with hope, clarity, happiness, and determination.
Matt
Happy New Decade, Friend.
Chase
Great post. I hope this decade is better than the last. I think youthful clarity is the direct result of ignorance — the world is complicated.